While I am going to claim “third year PhD candidate” as my title for as long as I possibly can (because saying I’m a fourth year sounds scary/too serious), I do kind of already feel the transitioning happening, and I know how long it usually takes me to actually write/publish these things, and so I feel like now is as good a time as any to write my reflection on my third year of graduate school.

Hot take? Third year of graduate school has been my favorite year of graduate school yet (IDK if that really is a hot take or just a lukewarm take…but I feel like it is hot?). And what I loved most about it was seeing how much I grew.

This past year of graduate school has been, without a doubt, the most I have ever been challenged academically in my life! And I loved it. 

Each year I learn that I am capable of so much more than I could have ever imagined – and it is thanks to my mentor, my thesis committee, and to my colleagues and peers that I am consistently pushed to be an even better, smarter, harder working version of myself. (Thank you for believing in me and knowing that I can do things before I know that I can do those things ❤️).

My second hot take (this one I KNOW is a hot take) is that I kind of enjoyed preparing for my qualifying exam?? I just reread each of my qualifying exam prep blog posts (1.0, 2.0, reflection), and they are soooo cute to look back on – this blog is for y’all…but it’s mostly for me 😂

A frequent feeling I had during qual prep was that I was stressed, but I wasn’t worried. When I’d tell my boss this, she’d often say, “Stress is good! You should be stressed!” – sometimes I feel like she’s gaslighting me…but, truthfully, she’s actually just honest…and right 😂 She recently told us that she is right 90% of the time, so if we just listened to her, so many issues wouldn’t even be issues in the first place 😂 (again, hate to admit it, …but she might be right 😅).

The stress was good. And, like I’ve said so, so many times before – and will say so, so many times again – I know that I can do hard things, because I know that my boss believes that I can. Her confidence in me is really my biggest driver in my professional life.

When I reflect back on my qualifying exam now, and all the preparation that went into it, I really only think about how much that experience helped me grow. And how much I loved the challenge. I loved diving into the rabbit holes of the literature – even if that meant I sometimes spent two hours working to add citations to one sentence (I had some sentences with 11 citations to support the statement…I am nothing if not well-read). I especially loved writing, editing, and then writing again. This was my favorite part of the whole process.

And thank goodness I enjoyed the writing portion since right after my qualifying exam I had to begin working on my F31 application!! AKA, more writing. Luckily, I could largely use my qualifying exam document as my “research strategy” portion of my F31, but I did have to also write my biosketch (5 pages), background and goals for training (5 pages), project summary and relevance (1 page), respective contributions (2 pages), selection of sponsor and institution (1 page), and a whole bunch of nonsense on all the equipment, facilities, and resources I have access to – all in all, over 30 pages of writing that required multiple drafts and editing…I loved every bit of it (even if there are photos out there of me pulling my hair and my desk a whole mess from all the stress).

I loved writing my qualifying exam document and F31 application so much that I have gotten ~hella confused~ about what career I want to pursue. As you may remember, when I started graduate school, I’d said I was 99% sure I did not want to stay in academia. Around the time of my qualifying exam, I’d said I was now only 95% sure. After submitting my F31??? Down to 80%. And now I’m…really thinking I will end up doing a postdoctoral fellowship – AKA I’ll continue on the path of academia…at least for now.

Additionally, in writing these documents, I’d asked our University’s Director of Writing Services and Training Grant Development if I could possibly intern with them…and she said yes!! 🙂 I’ve also said, ever since I very first met Elaine almost 3 years ago, that I want her job 😆 (I don’t want to take it from her…I only mean that I want to be just like her, because she is so awesome).

All in all, I’m starting to think about my “next step” more, and instead of being scared by all the options, I’m excited about the ones I’m working towards 🙂 I’ve gotten more selective in the leadership and extracurricular activities I take on – I’ve learned more about which ones bring me mostly joy and which ones bring me mostly stress, and I’ve chosen to only keep those that mostly bring me joy.

I’ve also gotten a lot of work done research-wise, and I’m thinking about starting to work on my first manuscript of graduate school (AKA my ticket out of here!!). I’m really excited about it, especially because I really believe in the work that I do and believe that it can make a positive change in reproductive health outcomes! So stay tuned!!!

Overall, I’m feeling really happy. And also really proud. I am so proud of the person that I am – the scientist that I am, the woman that I am, and the leader that I am. The best, most rewarding thing to come of this last year has been having the first-year graduate students tell me that I’m their role model and that they really look up to me 🥺 My boss told me after my annual seminar that I set a new standard for presentations, and that’s how it should be 🥺 Another faculty member told me that my boss is lucky to have me in her lab and that my peers are lucky to have me in their network 🥺

And all of this was reflected when I was awarded the William F. Neuman and Margaret W. Neuman Award. “The Neuman Award is presented each year for academic, scientific and personal qualities which exemplify the imagination, enthusiasm and excellence in the pursuit of scientific knowledge which were characteristic of the life of Dr. William F. Neuman…Dr. Neuman strongly believed that scientists should be socially active and contributors to their department, university, and society and tried hard to hire people who were not only good scientists but also, as he said good people. This spirit of working together and serving fellow students and the department has become a strong element in the selection of Neuman Award winners.” – It is without a doubt the most meaningful award I have ever received 🥹 (though “Life of the Party” and “Most Likely to Be Found at the Fort Detrick Gym” from my postbac cohort might be a close second 🤣)

As the baby of the family – “little Bergman” or “Meg and JT’s little sister” – all I ever wanted was to be is Knicki (just Knicki). I’ve wanted to pave my own path and be known fully as myself, not by my relationship to others (note: I am grateful for my siblings setting the standards so high…I definitely have them to thank for me being as awesome as I am 😝). And I really feel like I’ve achieved that. I am so proud of the person I’ve become, and I cannot wait to see who else I get to be. And I hope that you all get to join along for the journey ❤️