It is officially August, which means I am officially (and can no longer deny the claims of being) a fourth year PhD candidate!

When I say that out loud, it sounds big and scary. But when I really think about everything that I have done over the last three years…it’s not actually that surprising. In fact, it kind of makes sense?

Thinking back three years ago, to the very first day of my first research rotation, I certainly would not have anticipated my life being how it is now. I am proud to say that I have grown a lot in the last three years, not just as a scientist, but as a person too.

Each year of graduate school has had its own unique challenges.

The hardest part of first year, for me, was finding my community and building a home for myself. There were so many times where I felt so alone, and often lamented that I missed my old life. But I knew that life didn’t exist anymore. I loathed having to study every weekend and having the stress of exams. It was hard and, to be honest, not that fun either 😆 BUT, I got to join a lab I was (and continue to be) excited about, I tried out a lot of new hobbies and interests, and I started learning how to ask for help. So there were some good parts too.

Second year…wow, I almost don’t remember second year now when I think about it (that’s called trauma, baby!). Both physical (concussion) and emotional (check this blogpost). During my second year of graduate school, I worked the longest hours I’ve ever worked…many 10+ hour work days, one notable 14 hour day. I call second year the “fuck around and find out” phase of graduate school…where you really are just fucking around (doing A LOT of experiments) and finding out (seeing where the data guides you and finding out what your thesis project will be). I remember feeling very lost and confused with my project. I also remember feeling very lost, confused, alone, and hurt in relationships (friendships and romantic). BUT, I also found some really great friendships. I knew that my life wasn’t how I wanted it to be, but I had enough good things going that I was able to push through and can still look back at that year as being overall good? There were many times I told my therapist, “I feel like I’m drowning, but I know I am supported.”

Third year was my favorite (read more about that here). I really believe that I grew the most – professionally and personally – during my third year of graduate school. Passing my qualifying exam, writing AND BEING AWARDED a grant, and being invited to give an oral talk at a conference all really helped build my confidence and gave me validation that all this hard work has been worth something. I finally removed myself from people and situations that only added stress to my life. And I really just started living life for me again. It was a lot of fun!

Entering my fourth year, now, I feel like I can see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel (translation: the end of my PhD journey). It is still a ways away…hopefully 1.5-2 years away…but I can see it! I’ve traveled SO much and met so many people, I’ve identified some labs I may want to do a postdoctoral fellowship with, some companies I may want to work for, and have started narrowing down where I may want to live next. I’ve even started writing my first manuscript of graduate school! Woohoo! (That’s my ticket out of here!).

While third year was my favorite year overall, the last few months have admittedly been some of the most stressful months of my PhD career thus far. I now have, what feels like, so many responsibilities. Maybe even too many. Mentoring students, both in my lab and my program. Attending conferences to build connections. And trying to make progress on my thesis research. And a whole lot more. It has been…a lot…and I’ve found myself not really enjoying going into work lately. Which has made me really sad, because for the entirety of my time working in this lab, work has often served as a happy and safe place for me. And it’s not to say that I no longer enjoy the work I do or the people I work with…rather, I think it’s that I haven’t been able to put as much time into myself and my own research, and thus feel overwhelmed. Right now it feels like I can never catch a break, keep up, or stay focused on any one thing before I have to go travel again. I need structure in my life, fr 😭

I’m very curious what this fourth year of graduate school will have in store for me…I’ve been told that it’s the hardest year of graduate school 🙈 And if it’s anything like the last few months have been…then I believe it! I have enjoyed each year of graduate school more than the last, so I am hoping that trend continues! I’m hoping that a year from now, I’ll have some more clarity on where I want to head next, a publication to help get me to where I’ll head next, and to be more confident in myself (professionally and personally).

It was only last week when I asked my boss, “Does life really just keep getting busier?” …If you know my boss, you know that she loves to talk and share her wisdom (I was 100%, purposely setting her up to give me life advice). She often reminds us that we are still young and have so much time to figure things out. This time when she shared this, I really thought back to who I was three years ago and who I am now. And she’s right! There are so many things I’ve learned about myself over the last three years. And I thought I knew who I was back then. But now, looking back? I was still becoming. And I’m certain that in three more years, I’ll look back on today and feel the same way.

What I am most proud of over the last three years is really, truly becoming a more authentic version of myself. Learning my values and how to stay true to them. Learning that I do not need to please everyone – some people are just bad, why should I please them? Learning what I value in relationships and surrounding myself with people who embody qualities that I admire and hope to grow within myself, and who appreciate me for who I am. These last three years have probably been some of the most emotionally challenging years of my life, but I am grateful for all the lessons learned, and that I’ve still come out being me. A sensitive gangster, if you will (shout out to the Love Island fans who get it). 

As always, I am so grateful for the people who continuously support me: my boss, my coworkers, my friends, my lover (hehe, new boyfriend just dropped!). My family who thinks I’m just so cool (I think…). Thank you for always reminding me that I’m never alone.

Pics coming soon 🙂