Content warning: This blogpost contains mentions of sexual and emotional abuse, which may be distressing to some readers. Please take care while reading, and prioritize your well-being. If you need support, resources are available. 

This year I celebrated my golden birthday, turning 27 on the 27th of February! It may sound odd, but it is a birthday that I have been looking forward to for a while now! I knew I wanted to celebrate big and do something glamorous…so that’s exactly what I did!

The weekend prior to my birthday I went to a Professional Women’s Hockey League (PWHL) game in Buffalo with two of my friends. I presented for our Toxicology Seminar on Monday (lowkey…it WAS a fun way to start off my birthday week, as I got really great feedback and compliments from that seminar 😊) and then celebrated that with espresso martinis and trivia with two friends that same evening. On Wednesday I made a cheesecake and really bonded with my new cat, Moo (she got to lick the cream cheese off the wrapper). On Thursday I got espresso martinis and a delicious fried burrata with my birthday twin and tried pole dancing (very difficult…I have so much respect for people who do this regularly). AND, biggest of all, I celebrated my birthday with a very glamorous, very extra “27 dresses”-themed birthday party, where people were encouraged to wear an outfit they don’t usually have the opportunity (i.e. wedding guest dress, fun onesie, etc.). Everybody really outdid themselves…I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by so many amazing (and HOT) women!! ♥️ I was taught that “you’re known by the company you keep,” and so it always makes me feel good about myself knowing I’m surrounded by kind, smart, thoughtful, funny, empathetic, amazing people.

I had a lot of fun celebrating, and I am really looking forward to what this new year has in store for me. When people ask me what I’m looking forward to, my response is simple: a lot more joy and a lot more peace.

I’ve been pretty open about how much I struggled mentally last year (…and the year before that, and the…you get it). But I haven’t really been as open as to why I struggled so much mentally last year.

I have to say, 26 was especially tough. I knew it would be a challenging year professionally, as I knew I would be preparing for my qualifying exam and submitting my first ever grant (find those blog posts here). However, I had no idea how challenging it would be in my personal life too. [You can probably stop reading here if the content may be triggering for you]. 

I grew a lot from all of these experiences, and so I don’t have any regrets. But there are some lessons I really wish I hadn’t had to learn the hard way. And I am sharing my experiences here in case you find yourself in a similar situation – I need people to know that they can leave, they can find joy again, and if they are feeling like they are in an unhealthy, toxic, manipulative situation…you (unfortunately) probably are. Do not let the person who is making you feel that way (that you are in a relationship with) convince you otherwise. They are not someone to be trusted and they do not have your best interests at heart.

It hurts, but it is also reality. And you need to protect yourself.

I often find myself blaming myself for being in that situation – thinking how if I’d just reached out to friends earlier on and told them what was going on, I might have avoided it; or how if I’d just stuck to my intuition when I tried ending things months prior to when I actually did, I might not have been hurt as bad. There are a lot of things I could’ve done differently, sure, but I am not the one to blame for how I was treated. I was doing the best I could in a bad situation, and that’s all anyone really can do.

I also sometimes (still) feel weak and like I allowed this person to walk all over me. But my therapist frequently reminds me that is not the case. I did speak up when something bothered me, I was once even yelled at for bringing up an issue so often (…though I wouldn’t have to bring something up so often if it wasn’t happening as often as it was…right?). Instead of being met with reassurance or comfort, I was told, “You have no reason to feel that way.” – a complete denial of my feelings, and lack of validation (spoiler: my feelings were incredibly valid…I have proof lmao). I told them that they cared more about being right than they cared about how I felt (and it turns out I was right about my concerns and they didn’t care about how I felt – bad combo). Instead of considering my feelings for even a second, their response was, “Well I’m going to defend myself when I think you’re wrong.” (again, I wasn’t wrong. They just lied…a lot). There were other responses that I’m not going to bother sharing because in some ways I still feel embarrassed that someone treated me this way, even though how they treated me is a reflection of who they are, not who I am (!!! say that again !!!)

I never received comfort, only hostility. I was often met with comments that made me feel like I was overreacting or being too sensitive (again, I wasn’t). Even worse, being yelled at was a weekly (or bi-weekly) occurrence. It could be over something as small as saying I didn’t want Taco Bell if they weren’t having Taco Bell 😂😂 (yes, that IS as crazy as it sounds). I said on multiple occasions how I didn’t like yelling, I didn’t respond well to it, and it would lead me to shut down. But, that didn’t change…anything? It really broke my spirit and got to a point where I didn’t want to say anything because I simply didn’t want to be yelled at. Thinking of the Oprah Winfrey quote, “Were you silent? Or were you silenced?”

Again, I’m not going to go into the details too much because that’s not the purpose of this. The purpose is to share that I have been gaslighted, yelled at, emotionally manipulated, sexually assaulted, consistently lied to, silenced, and received homophobic comments (I am bisexual, y’all!!), disrespected (and told that they “weren’t disrespectful at all”), and honest to God, some really, truly awful things. I remember, on the way to my family vacation, feeling happy and excited that they wouldn’t be able to yell at me for a whole week. – I was in this situation, and I got out! If you feel like this in a relationship, GET OUT!!!! You can do it and there are support systems to help you!!

There were so many times where I thought (and one time even wrote in my Notes app): “Love should feel better than this. Safer than this. More secure than this. Calmer than this.” It got to the point where I started keeping track of “the facts” in my Notes app, including things like “I cry at least 2x/week because of them,” “the highs are high and the lows are low,” “I feel scared when they raise their voice,” “often says ‘I’m just a passionate person’ – is that valid, or just a fake excuse??” It got to a point, where I even took a video of them during one of our fights because I said they were being rude, and they, of course, said they “weren’t being rude at all,” so I said, “Ok. Well if you’re not being rude at all then I should be able to record you and show this video to my friends and they will have no problem with it since you’re ‘not being rude to me at all.’”

The thing is though, while I was keeping track of all these things, I was not telling any of my friends. Part of it was because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed by my partner and their actions – I was embarrassed to be with someone like them. I was embarrassed to be treated like this – I was embarrassed because I felt like it was a reflection of me (it’s not!!). But, a bigger part was this person made me believe that I deserved this, that I was crazy, and that I was the problem – and I was embarrassed to be all those things.

When I finally opened up to my friends, by simply stating “I think I need to break up with my partner,” they were immediately supportive and told me if I was thinking of doing it, I should do it! I would give that same advice to anyone!!!!! However, I had wanted to show evidence because I really needed validation in my feelings, especially after so many months of being gaslit and told that I had no reason to feel however I was feeling (AKA a complete lack of validation). So, I sent that video. And my friends all told me to leave immediately and that I was on track for an abusive relationship.

I still struggle with so many feelings surrounding this relationship, hence the blogpost, but I think this is all important to share. Some of my friends and coworkers all felt so bad and expressed how they had no idea I was going through all of that. 

I went through this. Way too many of my friends have gone through similar things to this. Way too many people find themselves in similar situations, and they are so hard to get out of. It legitimately took me months to get out. And it has taken me months to heal (I’m still healing) – I don’t miss this person, I don’t want anything to do with them at all, ever again – but I am healing from how insecure he made me about my own feelings. I still struggle to trust myself and my own feelings. And so I’ve been reaching out to friends a lot for help or validation or to just freak the f**k out for a little bit. I still feel crazy or weak or any negative emotion that you can name, but thanks to therapy and friends, I do feel those things a lot less often now.

If you are in a similar situation, please do not be embarrassed. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, colleague, or support person (if you have a therapist, definitely them!!!). Remember, how you are being treated is not a reflection of who you are. That is them and their problem. And you do not need to fix them. You need to protect yourself.

Even though I didn’t share all those feelings I was writing down in my Notes app or in my journal, I am grateful I did that. This person made it so hard for me to trust myself and my own feelings, and I do find myself falling back into the pit of blaming myself – but having these notes remind me that I’m not crazy and that I was treated really f**king poorly, and that’s not a reflection of who I am. I tried so hard to see the best in them and make things better, and I tried fixing myself because I really felt like I was the problem, but the truth was that nothing would ever truly get better if only one person was taking accountability for their actions, only person was trying to change and be better, and the other person never, ever, ever tried to be understanding or empathetic.

I share this story, not because I like talking about it (I don’t), but because it took me a really long time to admit and accept that I was in an abusive and manipulative relationship. Heck, I’m still struggling to accept that I was in an abusive and manipulative relationship. It took me a really long time to do something about it, but I’m not lying…life got better in less than two weeks after ending things. I could actually make it through a workday without crying! I was way less stressed! And I had more time to be with people who actually cared about me and actually loved me.

While I don’t really like talking about this experience, I do think it is important to share our stories. I think sharing our stories helps other people realize that they might be in a similar situation, that their feelings are not crazy, their feelings are valid, and it can give them inspiration to get help and leave. I think sharing our stories can help encourage others to come forward with their stories. It is hard – but these abusive and emotionally manipulative ass-hats need to be stopped, and unfortunately that means we have to yell from the rooftops how unacceptable this kind of treatment is, so that it can maybe, hopefully, one day stop.

I am grateful for those close to me who have shared their experiences in similar situations – you helped me realize that I might be too. And you showed me that it was possible to get out, and that life will get better. I am so incredibly grateful to my therapist and to my friends for supporting me through this. For listening to me rant, hugging me and holding me while I cried, keeping the door open for conversation, listening to all my crazy ideas for things I’d like to do in revenge (NO REVENGE…because having to wake up everyday being their miserable self sounds like punishment enough – and they really are not worth the energy), …really, just, everything. I am so lucky. And I am so loved. 

If you think you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out for help. Abuse is not just physical, it can be emotional, psychological, and financial too. And leaving these situations can be difficult and sometimes dangerous. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for confidential, 24/7 support. You can text HOME to 741741 for free, confidential crisis counseling. There are often shelters and organizations made specifically for these scenarios and can provide you with legal aid. Reach out to your friends and family – do not be embarrassed like I was (and if you are embarrassed…that’s ok!! Obviously that’s how I felt too, so I get it!!).

I grew a lot last year, and I am grateful for that. But there are also many things I wish I’d never had to experience. I wouldn’t relive last year if I was paid $1 billion to do so. I’m looking forward to a new year, one in which I do have a really good feeling about 😊 I really do just hope that it is filled with a lot more joy and a lot more peace. (And some publications and fun trips would be pretty cool too…👉👈)