I feel like every blogpost I’ve written in the last year has started with, “It’s been a while…” or some iteration of that phrase.

And here we are again. It sure has been a while, hasn’t it?

It is now August, our new students have arrived, and thus I can no longer deny that my fourth year of my PhD has come to a close. I am officially a fifth year graduate student… So, it is time for my annual reflection!

The fourth year of my PhD has been my hardest yet. In my fourth year I worked really, really hard to “wrap up” experiments in support of a paper (manuscript) we are trying to publish. This work – that I’ve been doing for the last three years – will ultimately become a large portion of my thesis. In theory, I’m moving forward and seeing the fruits of my labor. In theory, these experiments help to tell a really exciting story. In theory, I should feel happy and/or accomplished.

The reality?

I feel burnt out, I feel lonely and isolated in my work, I feel like I’ve done 90% of the work, but that the last 10% will be the hardest yet. And because I feel burnt out and all these negative emotions, pushing through the last 10% seems impossible to me right now. Which makes me feel hopeless.

That’s the reality. And that’s why I haven’t written a blogpost! Things have been really hard and challenging for me, I haven’t been feeling very happy, and thus I haven’t wanted to commit any additional energy to thinking about or writing about my work. My work-life separation has become veryyyy strict in an attempt to protect my mental space and energy.

Some blog posts I’ve started over the last year but never finished and probably will never publish: “Dreams…what are they made of?,” “real talk: I’m a bit unhappy,” and “humility: how to be a good person.” – if that gives you any idea of how things have been going…

In my fourth year of my PhD, I came into work every. single. day. for 8 weeks straight, I then gave myself a two weekend break, and did it again (coming in every single day for 8 weeks straight). I had a lot of early mornings and long days. I spent two months learning and optimizing an entirely new technique, just for the data outcome to be entirely underwhelming. And now my time is being spent optimizing another entirely new technique…though hopefully the data outcome will be a bit more informative this time…to be determined.

I feel like part of what has made this fourth year so challenging is that it directly followed my third year – which was my favorite year of grad school (so far…I’m holding out hope for year five!!). In my third year, I gained a lot of confidence in myself as a person and as a scientist. I got tangible evidence of my growth through earning my Masters, receiving an NIH grant, and being selected for oral presentations. In my fourth year, I feel like I gained resilience, persistence, …and a bit of hard feelings…

While there were still many signs of growth and many achievements to be proud of, what I feel more than anything is stuck. I feel stuck because I know what I want to achieve (get my PhD) and I know what I need to do to achieve that goal (publish a paper and get some more data so I can write a complete thesis)…but actually getting there seems so hard 🙈 I feel stuck because I can see and feel how much I have grown and matured as a scientist over these last four years, yet I am still here!! In graduate school!! I feel stuck because I can tell that I am sooooo close to finishing my PhD…but I also know that I am not quite there yet!! I have been working on this project for 3-4 years now, and I just feel ready to start something new! And…I feel ready for a real salary and retirement benefits too 😂

It’s like I can see my future, but it is just out of reach. And it’s not very clear either… Some days I feel like I make great strides forward, but other days…well, I feel like I’m running as fast as I can just to stay in the same place (little throwback for the OG blog readers).

Now, in my FIFTH year of graduate school, I feel like it is only me who can push myself to get to the finish line. (Rely on myself?? The person who got me into all of this??). It can feel so hard sometimes. But, honestly? Just writing this out helped me to release some of these feelings, and now things don’t feel as heavy. Maybe writing this blog was a good reminder to myself of why I do this. 

I think many people who go through graduate school can relate to these feelings…and I know many of my friends feel this way right now too!! Sometimes you really do just have to let yourself feel those bad feelings so that you can ultimately release them.

Well – here’s to entering my fifth year of graduate school! May it be filled with positive reviewer comments, publications, cool data, job interviews, job offers, and earning this degree!!!

K out 😏

Some exciting news to end this: I was invited to give a talk about social media and science communication at an upcoming conference… all because of this blog!!! I have always said that I write this blog for myself…so to learn that it could have impacts bigger than I ever dreamed…well that was pretty cool!! Stay tuned!