[Content warning: mention of mental health issues]

I am technically writing this on August 2nd, I meant to write it yesterday, and I will probably end up posting it tomorrow. Oh well. That’s just life sometimes. Ok, here we go!

Our new cohort of students arrived, which makes me officially a 2nd year graduate student 🥺 I don’t know how it happened so fast! I like to be honest and I like to be real…so if I’m being completely honest and completely real, my first year of graduate school was really hard.

Your first year is hard because you don’t really have a home. And I mean “home” in a lot of different ways. For many of us, we are moving to a new city where we know little to no one. And so not only do we have to find a physical home to live in, but we also have to find our people who feel like home. (Should we start taking bets on how many times I’ll write the word “home” in this blog post?). And we have to find places to visit and things to do so that this new city actually feels like home. And that can be really hard. Especially if you are a little more introverted. And especially when a lot of people around you are also introverted (not all scientists are introverts…but the stereotype does exist for a reason).

You’re also trying to find your lab home, where you’ll be spending the next 4-6 years conducting research. Which is both scary and exciting. (I have an amazing mentor and amazing, kind, patient, and intelligent lab mates, so I will definitely make a post about finding your lab home in the near future 😊). And you’re trying to find your lab home while also trying to pass your classes. And if you’re like me, while you enjoy attending class (most of the time), the thought of studying for exams is just …not it. And you might be surrounded by people who are highly motivated and study a lot, which then makes you anxious because you are not studying. And, yet, you cannot encourage yourself to study. And then you get more anxious because you are not studying and you know everyone else is. And the cycle continues. (I now see both a psychologist and a psychiatrist because I’m tired of getting stuck in thes anxious cycles and I did not used to be like this…I like who I am, but I don’t like feeling like this – always be mindful of your mental health!!).

For a lot of my first year, I felt really lost and really lonely. But it was easy to ignore those feelings because I have an amazing roommate and friend (hi, Hannah, I hope you’re reading this) to do a lot of fun things with, and I always felt happy whenever we were together, which was most of the time (outside of classes/lab/work). But because I kept ignoring those feelings, I kind of ended up having a ~major menty b~ (translation: mental breakdown) and ran five hours away to go camping in the Adirondacks on a complete whim. Not the worst solution…but I certainly wish I’d just let myself feel those feelings and sought out help from mental health professionals sooner and been honest with both myself and the people around me about how much I was struggling. (And that I could’ve gone camping on better terms…I will in the future!!).

All this to say, I think in graduate school it’s really important to find a good mentor, find a good therapist, find at least a couple good friends (it’s okay if that takes longer for you), just try to focus on doing whatever is best for you, and make sure you are being honest with yourself…sometimes faking it until you make it fails miserably and you do NOT make it. Honestly, if I didn’t have a great mentor, I don’t think I could do this 😅 Any time I’m feeling down about myself, whether that’s about my skills in the lab, how experiments are going, or even how personal things in my life are going, I feel comfortable telling my mentor that I’m struggling or that I feel stupid or that I’m really upset and angry with some people because they insist on comparing our accomplishments and I don’t want to compete with anyone (the latter is a really big reason why first year was so hard for me…not sure if I’ll delve deeper into that, but you can always reach out to learn more 🤪).

So, yeah. Those are all the feelings I felt in my first year. And it’s kind of funny, now being on the other side of it, all I can think to myself is, “Wow. I really did that?” And I did! And even though there were a lot of times where I felt really stupid, now I look back and think “Holy sh**. I’ve learned so much.” I’m a badass woman scientist 😎 And now that I’m so mature, old, and experienced (all of those things are definitely true), I am looking forward to stepping into a mentoring role so that I can hopefully help our new cohort of students not feel as bad as I did. Or at the very least, let them know that I felt bad too, and I’m still here, and I’ve joined a great lab, and, even though some days are hard, I’m still so excited for what is happening right now and for all the things to come. 

I’ve been told that each year of graduate school comes with its own unique challenges…so here’s to the challenges that come with second year?? 🥂 And to learning to give myself more grace.

I don’t want readers to think that my first year was all bad and all hard. It wasn’t. It was challenging, but there were a lot of fun times too. I had three wonderful research rotations, I passed my classes (even taking all my finals with a concussion), I made some sweet friends, I’ve kept in touch with my long-distance friends (and have even had a few come visit me!), I made time for the people and activities that make me happy, I’ve made some really great connections with alumni and scientists outside of UofR, I tried a bajillion new hobbies, I remembered how much I love presenting, I got to travel to a research conference, I found a taco truck I’m obsessed with, I fully came out as bisexual (it’s even Facebook official, y’all!!), and I’ve grown so much as a scientist and as a human. And I finally started this blog!! I’m very excited about that. So, yeah. A lot of hard. But I look back at it thinking it was good. Cheers, bruv?