Happy New Year!

I know you haven’t heard from me in a while…

But you know how life goes sometimes…right?

2024 was a really big year for me!

Professionally, I traveled to Pittsburgh for a reproductive health conference, helped TA  a course on endocrine disrupting chemicals in Woods Hole, MA (Cape Cod), passed my qualifying exam with no edits, earned my Masters in Toxicology, submitted my first ever grant to the National Institutes of Health, and finally got some significant data and have begun outlining my first(!!) manuscript of graduate school! Additionally, I officially became a published author AND submitted my first ever first author manuscript, both from my time working at the National Cancer Institute. It’s been a lot, but it’s been really exciting too.

I feel like I’m…a real scientist now??

I feel like I grew sooo much in 2024, especially in my career. I feel like my brain truly is fully developed now.

I often say how I am a graduate student, among many other great things. But there were a lot of times throughout last year (2024) where I felt like “graduate student” was my whole identity. Or perhaps, more accurately, it was the only part of my identity that I felt proud of? Or that I felt confident in?

Kind of sad.

But also…the truth.

2024 was a really big year for me!

Personally, I went through two break ups: one with a therapist, and one with a romantic partner. And break ups suck, no matter the reason.

I did fun things too!!! I hiked seven Adirondack High Peaks, visited one of my best friends in Kansas City, ran a half marathon, and built some really amazing friendships with some really amazing people.

But I also struggled a lot. And it was with those struggles that I grew a lot.

Again, I feel like my brain truly is fully developed now.

As I wrote in my Post Qual Reflection, I wasn’t really happy after achieving something so big. Not long after writing that, I began searching for a new therapist because I was really struggling with my mental health. I wrote in my journal:

“I don’t know how to move forward. It certainly can’t be by doing the same thing. But IDK how to change. IDK WHAT to change. Nobody has ever cared enough to tell me, and I’m too stupid to know.”

Kind of dramatic. YEAH I KNOW. I’m pouring my heart out on the internet!!!!!! Give me some grace!!!!

All that to say, that’s how I was feeling. And that didn’t feel so good.

Things in my personal life weren’t going so well. So I fully leaned into my work (hence how I was able to accomplish so many things).

But that made me sad 😂 I don’t want work to be the best part of my life. I am so grateful that I genuinely enjoy the work that I do and the people I work with. But I don’t want work to be the best part of my life! Other parts of my life need to be fulfilling too!!

…and I was in a relationship. Feeling like that????

Please. 😪

It is thanks to my new therapist that I was able to realize how unhappy I was, and get myself out of that situation.

My new therapist has taught me some really important practices that have helped me to unveil how I think and why I think the way that I do, so that I can eventually change the way I think and act. She taught me that our feelings affect our thoughts, our thoughts affect our actions, and our actions affect our feelings. It all goes full circle!

I had thought that I wasn’t good at expressing myself. But, with my therapist’s help, I learned that I do express myself. I just don’t always get listened to…and I see that as a failure in myself (I will blame myself way more than I blame anyone else). My therapist helped me to identify how I was feeling, and how to effectively communicate how I was feeling. She taught me that I deserve to be listened to and I deserve to have my emotional needs met. She taught me that expressing an emotional need and expressing how someone can meet that emotional need is NOT a burden. And she validated that I was not asking for a lot. At all. 

But…I don’t want to talk about that anymore 😂 How that relationship was and how I felt isn’t the important piece here – what is important is that I have learned A LOT about myself through therapy. I broke up with my old therapist because once my immediate issue of anxiety got under control, I had wanted to dig deeper into my past to better understand why I think the way I do, so that I could really make meaningful change (like I do with my new therapist). But that never happened. So I broke up with her! And that led to me falling into a deep depression! But! I did end up finding someone better.

More recently I wrote in my journal:

“Wowwee wow wow. Boy am I learning a lot about myself. And in such a short amount of time too. I feel like my head might explode. Or rather, I feel like I have to just put my head down and scream or cry because how have I been living like this for so long?”

I’m learning a lot. And sometimes what I learn hurts. But life has been hurting for a while because of these (often false) “beliefs” I’ve been living by. I deserve to have my emotional needs met. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve the love and support that I give to others.

I often say, “If I’m a lot, go find less.” And who I am is someone who loves big, cares a lot, and tries to help people who I see hurting. That’s who I am, and I love that that’s who I am. I don’t want to change that or make myself smaller, especially when it comes to loving and caring for others.

I am incredibly grateful for my friends, who have always loved me back just as much as I have loved them. I know love is real because I am surrounded by it. I know love is real because I am full of it.

2024 was a really big year for me!

I am hopeful that 2025 will be another big year for me, but with fewer hard-learned lessons 🤣 Rather than coming up with “New Year’s Resolutions”, I often like to “manifest” things. NEVER doubt the power of manifestation!! The last two years I have done this, I have achieved EVERY. SINGLE. THING. on my list of manifestations. (I also often say I strive to be the type of woman that would’ve been burned at the stake for accusations of being a witch 🤣🧙)

I haven’t sat down to think about those yet…if you can’t tell…I’ve been kind of going through a lot. So I’m catching up! Thank you for reading, and thank you for your grace and kindness as you learn way too much about me on the internet ☺️