Heyyyyyyyyy. It’s been a busy few months…maybe several months…

…maybe the whole year?

Anyway, I’M BACK! I am a little disappointed I didn’t publish a blogpost last month (October), buuuuut at the same time, I was really struggling with my mental health, and so my blog was not very high on my list of priorities. But anyway, I’M BACK!

As you may remember, back in September I took my qualifying exam, passed, and earned my Master’s in the process 🥳 I took short break after that, and then immediately began preparing an NIH F31 Training Grant!

The F31 grant is a training grant for “promising predoctoral students with potential to develop into a productive, independent research scientist.” The grant helps pay for travel costs, research, and student stipend, among other things. It’s highly competitive, and traditionally has been meant to support PhD students who plan to become a Principal Investigator (PI; basically, a person who runs a research lab).

As a result, when I first learned about the F31, I was not interested in applying. I came into graduate school 98% sure that I didn’t want to pursue a career as a PI. Two and a half years later, I’m still 95% sure that I don’t want to pursue a career as a PI.

So, my interests are shifting. But not that much 😂 Admittedly, I don’t really know what I want to do next – I have some ideas, but let’s stay focused on this blogpost theme.

So, about a year ago my PI told me that faculty in our Toxicology Program had suggested I might be a good candidate for this grant. I’m very proud of my response because I usually am a people pleaser and try to give people what they want. My response was, “I am open to it, but I need to find the passion within myself because I know it is a lot of work and I don’t really know if my interests align with what the grant is designed for.”

While I was very flattered that I had the support of my program, I also need to stay true to myself. I’ve always been a strong believer that the best work is done when it is something that you are passionate about and really believe in. I didn’t think my chances of success would be high if I didn’t feel passionate about it. And so it would just feel like a waste.

I didn’t say no. But I didn’t commit to a yes either. (I’m afraid of commitment – that’s a blogpost I’ve had planned for a while 😂). I continued talking with older students and some faculty and finally was convinced that, at the very least, it would be a really great learning experience.

Now, months later, I am so happy I didn’t say no. It has been a really great learning experience and I feel like I have grown so much in such a short amount of time. My confidence in myself as a scientist and as a writer has grown immensely. And, as of right now, the feedback I’ve received on my grant has all been positive.

I tend to be one to dream big and get my hopes up, but I am trying so hard to maintain realistic expectations. It is a highly competitive grant and it is very possible that the recent election will have impacts on funding for environmental health research. Nonetheless, I am so happy I went for it. Sometimes it’s scary to put yourself out there and shoot for the moon (and then to write about it on your public blog)…but it is worth it. 

I’ve recently had to remind myself that the worst thing someone else can say is “No.” WHY should I say “no” to myself??? I SHOULDN’T!!!!! Best case? I go for it, and they say, “yes!” There is no chance of a “Yes,” if I’m already telling myself “No.”

Writing this grant has been all about asking people for help – asking for letters of recommendation, asking for collaborations, asking for internships, asking for help with editing, etc., etc. I still get nervous asking for help, but, again, I remind myself that the worst thing they can say is “No.” 

Don’t limit yourself or take yourself out of the running. Let someone else reject you 😂 And maybe – juuuust maybe – it’ll all work out in your favor and they’ll say yes 😊 (TBD on this though, probably won’t know for 6+ months)