I had wanted to write a third rendition of “Qual Prep”, however, things got way too busy to take the time to do that. It is now one week post qualifying exam and I couldn’t be more relieved.

I had thought I would feel happy, excited, and/or accomplished following my qualifying exam. But the truth is, I don’t. I’m actually feeling worse about myself now than I did prior to my exam. Which just doesn’t make sense to me – I worked so hard for months, and I accomplished something amazing! I should be happy!

Why!

Am!

I!

Not!

HAPPY!?

I think part of it is because, while there is relief to having the exam done, there is no relief of having the work done. The whole point of the qualifying exam is to propose your PhD thesis work. Now I’m supposed to go do the work that I proposed. Honestly, the work has only just begun. (Somebody go play Work, Work, Work by Rihanna)

I guess, to summarize what would have been “Qual Prep (3.0)!!,” final qual prep was very stressful. I was still making edits to my document on the day it was due. I was still making edits to my presentation slides on the day of my oral exam. I literally had fifty (that’s right 5-0) hidden slides in preparation for any question my committee ~might~ ask me. I had 30 slides for the actual presentation 😂

There were several days where I woke up at 3:30-4am and immediately began asking myself questions about the methods I’m using in my study. I was hardly ever able to fall back asleep. I wasn’t sleeping well, I wasn’t eating enough, and I never felt like I could truly relax.

On the day of my exam, I, again, woke up at 5am. I knew with all my anxiety and excitement for the day, there was no chance I’d fall back asleep. I ended up having a pretty nice morning – brewed a cup of tea, ate a banana, and took my time getting ready. I walked into work so excited for the day. And confident. I truly could not envision a future in which I did not pass my exam.

Those feelings of confidence did not last.

My program had an invited seminar speaker that morning, which I thought would be a great distraction from my exam. Except that I wasn’t distracted from my exam by the speaker. Instead, I was distracted from the speaker, because I could only think about my exam. My anxiety was going so wild, I almost reached out to hold my friend’s hand during the seminar 😂 (in hindsight, I totally should have).

Time came and went and finally, FINALLY, it was time for my exam. I am usually a confident speaker. I’m a rare person who actually enjoys public speaking. And I especially love having a captive audience. Which is precisely what my thesis committee is meant to be: a captive audience. 

I said “usually.” If you asked any of my committee members, they would probably say I’m a little timid 😂 Which in their experience, is true. I don’t know why I am so nervous to present to them. These are the exact people whose sole purpose is to HELP ME! I shouldn’t be nervous to speak to them. And yet, I am.

No lie, I almost cried at the start of my exam. I was just overwhelmed and knew that it was time for months of hard work to come together for the biggest moment in my career (so far). During my first committee meeting (back in May), there was a certain point in the meeting where I really hit my stride and I realized I was having fun. That…that did not happen during my qualifying exam. There was not a single moment during my oral exam that I felt confident that I was going to pass.

The only thing that kept me feeling somewhat positive was that everybody seemed happy? And seemed to be enjoying the discussion? Nobody was arguing? And they were just giving me meaningful feedback on my project? And making sure I understood potential pitfalls? It seemed like things were positive, but I was never really sure.

I really like my committee because they are all wicked smart scientists who also care about the students. There are no big egos. Just a room full of highly intelligent people who have nothing but respect for one another. It’s an honor to be in the same room as them every 6 months. (Note: if you are selecting your thesis committee, I encourage you to pick people who like each other, like you, and support student success!!)

They kicked me out and greeted me shortly after to say congratulations. I immediately started crying. And I ended up crying…a lot. Shout out to our program coordinator, Leah, for holding me and handing me tissues as I did this 😂 Just like I said before, I thought I’d be happy. But rather, I just felt relieved.

I was happy it was over. But overall, the experience wasn’t really all that “happy.” 

It’s a weird feeling having accomplished something so big, but not really having the same excitement you usually do for big accomplishments. It honestly doesn’t even feel that big? But, objectively, it is? I don’t know, man. I’m tired. I’m just happy it’s behind me. 

(Except that I get to twist it and reverse it, and turn it into a grant now…so it’s not really behind me)

Don’t ask me how much longer I have left in my PhD  for at least two years, please and thanks!