It is officially August, which means that I am officially a third year PhD student!! 

Our newest cohort of students arrived today, and it has me feeling all the feels. I am excited to get to know these new students and watch them grow into the amazing scientists I know they can be. I am also excited to watch the previous year’s cohort grow as they move into mentoring roles and gain more confidence as they develop their individual thesis projects. I have to imagine I’m feeling similar to how people do when they become grandparents 😂 Watching your kids become parents…it really is special!

As excited as I am to watch others grow, I am even more excited to see how much more I grow over the next year. In my first two years of graduate school, I’ve grown so much. I don’t want to say that I’ve changed, because I don’t think that’s true (no matter how much I like to make the joke “New York changed me”). If anything, I think I’ve only strengthened my values and goals and sought to stay more true to myself, rather than trying to please others.

It has not been easy, especially being a lifelong people pleaser like myself. Something I have to continuously remind myself is that not everyone is going to like you, and that is OKAY. Heck, I don’t even like myself sometimes, so how can I expect others to? 😂 

To strengthen my values and goals, I’ve made a good effort (certainly not a perfect effort…but a good one) to dedicate my time to the people and things that really do bring me joy. For example, last summer I decided to join a softball team in an effort to make new friends. As it turns out, four year old Knicki was completely accurate, softball is really boring to play and I don’t like it 😂 At all. So I quit after playing just two games. And I was so happy. Because instead of having to spend 1-2 hours each week playing a sport that I don’t really enjoy, I now had time to go to run club (something that I do enjoy).

I also had some changes in friendships over the last year, and that was really hard for me. I felt so alone. And I kept wondering what was wrong with me. TBH, I still struggle with this, but I have gotten a lot better at dealing with it. I again remind myself that not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay. I’d rather be disliked for being who I am, than be liked for being someone I’m not.

I’ve had to learn and remind myself that I am a sensitive person and I do feel a lot. I like to talk about the hard things and be vulnerable, because I feel like that is how I build the best relationships and really get to know people. I like talking about our shared interests and being silly and weird and shining in each others’ lights of positivity. 

I often compare my time in graduate school to my time in my postbac fellowship, which maybe isn’t always the most productive or best for my mental well-being 😅 BUT focusing on the research aspect, I remember a year ago wondering if/when I’d feel as confident about my PhD thesis work as I did my postbac work. Even just a year ago, I’d already read way more papers for my PhD project than I ever did for my postbac work (sorry, John), yet I felt like I didn’t really understand anything of what I was supposed to be doing. Now, I feel like I’ve turned a full 180! I am knowledgeable, excited, and invested in my PhD thesis work. I sometimes worry I might be too confident 😂. So, trying to stay humble and continuing to learn as much as possible in the meantime

I still have no idea where this PhD is going to take me…but I am happy with where it has gotten me so far 😊. While I do not know the exact career that I will pursue following graduate school, I am confident that I will be aptly prepared. I’ve grown so much over these last two years. And I know I will continue to grow and learn more about myself in the years to follow. It is hard to believe that I am already a third year PhD student…but at the same time…it’s not??

–K out!!!