Earlier this week I presented my research to our department as part of my second year seminar. **Spoiler: I think it was a smashing success and I have a newfound confidence that I realllllly need moving forward (so yay for that!!).**

Ok, now some background: Each year in our program, students must create a ~40 minute presentation to share their research with members of the program (faculty and students included). I go back and forth on how serious I think this seminar presentation is…in many ways, I don’t think it’s that serious. I simply see it as a way to comfortably practice presenting my research to others in the field. However, in a lot of other ways, I think it is really serious…and that is mostly as a result of my mentor working so hard with me to make my presentation awesome and having multiple people in the program offer to help me practice (I’m really lucky to have so many people on my team who want to help me succeed).

All this to say, I think the student seminar is only as serious as you [the presenter] think it is. And, personally, I see it more as practice. A practice in which I want to put in a full effort so that I can get the best feedback possible, in hopes of making my project the best that it can possibly be. So…it’s a practice that I take seriously? I hope that makes sense…

While there are always some nerves and fears that come with presenting…I’m actually someone who has always enjoyed public speaking. This might sound kind of sad…but I think part of the reason I like public speaking so much is because it is one of the few times in my life where I feel like my voice is being heard and people are paying attention to what I’m saying. And I feel like, for a lot of my life, I’ve been fighting to have my voice heard and to be respected. And when you present to a room full of people, and you look around at all the faces looking back at you, the heads nodding, and the hands raised to ask questions at the end of it…you have at least some validation that for at least a little bit, your voice was heard. It’s nice 🙂

I ALSO enjoy presentations because I feel like it is one of the few ways (in science) where I can use my creativity and show my silly personality. I think scientists are often thought of as very serious, maybe kind of boring…honestly, a lot of not really great things 😂 but I disagree!!! I think so many of my colleagues and so many other scientists are sooo creative, interesting, unique, and we all have our own, special personalities.

Sometimes I get a bit insecure and think that maybe I’m not serious enough, and thus not smart enough, to pursue science. But that’s not true. You can be smart and silly. You can be silly but still know when you need to be serious. Honestly, I don’t even know why I get insecure about this because whenever I meet with collaborators or my mentor, they often comment on how organized and professional I am. So…I get to be both a great scientist and a fun personality in the lab? (Honestly, now I feel like I’m gassing myself up too much, and I’m getting insecure about that…man, anxiety is a b*tch!).

I feel really great about my seminar – my mentor told me that I did “very, very good” and was “very professional”, my student mentor told me I did really well and should be very proud, and my student mentee told me I “went up there, served, and DELIVERED!” (lol), along with many other kind comments. It made me feel really good, and was definitely some positive reinforcement that I’ve been needing.

About two weeks prior to my seminar presentation I was not feeling confident – I felt stressed, overworked, and stupid. I had appointments with both my therapist and psychiatrist that week and told them both how I really needed external praise because I was feeling so down on myself. They both responded the exact same way, “Well, what are you doing to give praise to yourself?” 😅 I hate when they’re both logical and right.

The truth is, I’m not good at giving myself praise. And, ironically, while I really needed external praise, I’m also not very good at receiving praise from others 😂 Like, when someone complimented me on my presentation, I immediately gave credit to my mentor for helping me 😂 And my mentor does deserve credit…but I did the damn thing! Why couldn’t I just say thank you?

I don’t know. But, also, I don’t care. At least not right now. Because right now I feel confident. I feel proud of myself. And I am going to revel in that feeling. And I hope that I can carry this feeling with me over the next couple of months as I begin preparing for my qualifying exam. The thought of my qualifying exam terrifies me, and starting it seems even scarier…but I know that I will do great. I was scared for my seminar, and I did great. I’ve been scared of many things and still done great. Why would this be any different?