In college I was a Resident Assistant (…I know, coolest kid on campus), and I learned a lot of really important lessons from that job. One of the greatest pieces of advice I was given was: “You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

I was told this because back when I was an RA, whenever someone asked for help or for someone to switch on-call shifts with them, I was always the person to say yes. I said yes so often  that people started to reach out to me directly rather than reaching out to the whole group. I like helping people! I do! But it got to a point where I was helping other people more than I was helping myself. I felt like I was being stripped of any and all of the resources that I had.

I wish I could say that the fire 🔥 quote (pun-intended) my boss shared with me completely changed how I approached work and life. It might have…for a little bit. But…I like helping people. I just have a hard time finding the balance between helping others and helping myself. 

I recently have found myself in a similar conundrum in graduate school. And it’s hard, because, honestly, I love participating in the non-science/organizational tasks associated with graduate school. In addition to conducting experiments in the lab, I also serve as the student representative for our toxicology program. I co-found a knitting and crocheting club, I’m a member of our toxicology retreat planning committee, I’m on the social committee…I do a lot of things. And I like doing these things, I do…it just has recently become a bit exhausting and a bit taxing and I am once again finding myself stripped of any and all of the resources that I have. 

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I don’t just struggle with finding a balance between helping others and helping myself, but that I also struggle with balancing time between things I need to do and things I like to do. The latter of which is very difficult, especially when those things that I like to do are still considered to be professional tasks…they just aren’t necessarily…necessary. It’s just hard to tell myself that I shouldn’t serve on a committee, when it inarguably will help build my resume (and it’s something I enjoy doing). But, I suppose…it doesn’t matter how many committees are on my resume if I’m feeling too exhausted and too burnt out to do the things I actually need to do. Can’t get a job with a degree I don’t have 😂

Hm, ok. See, this is why I write 😂 I realize things about myself and my life I may not have realized otherwise. It gives me time to be thoughtful and reflect on things. I encourage it to everyone 😉 Though I am biased because I’m pretty sure I’ve written in a diary ever since I could write.

Ok, ok. Side note over. Last week I really came to realize just how burnt out and sad I was feeling. I didn’t know why I was feeling that way, I just knew that I was feeling more sad and anxious than I had in a while. So, I took time to write in my journal to help identify my feelings and I reached out to my mentor saying that I was dealing with some personal things.

Again, I cannot overstate how grateful I am for the support of my mentor…I joked last week that Martha is my boss, but she is also my girl 😤 I am very fortunate to feel comfortable sending her a message, “Just as a heads up, I may cry at our meeting today,” and knowing that she will respond with love and genuine support. Not everybody wants that, not everybody gets that…but I’m lucky because I both want and get that 😊 Because she is my mentor, she reminded me that sometimes you have to push through but that she wants to support me however I need. I told her, truthfully, that simply having that ~40 minutes discussion on the woes of life and communicating with her where I was at mentally really helped make things better.

It was in that conversation that I realized (or rather, remembered), that we can’t do any of this alone. I know that throughout my life I have often felt like I have to deal with things on my own…the most reliable person in my life is myself after all. BUT, I can’t do it alone. None of us can. That’s too much weight to carry all on our own. And one of the really great things about graduate school is that there are so many people there to support you and who want to help you succeed in all realms of life. Your PI/mentor, labmate(s), cohort members, fellow program members, program coordinator, program director(s)…and that’s just people from your program!!! Most graduate schools have a multitude of resources available for all graduate students, regardless of their program affiliation.

One of the biggest reasons I chose to attend University of Rochester is because I felt that it was a very supportive program – I am so happy and grateful that those feelings have only continued to grow as I’ve moved my way through the program. No matter where you go to graduate school, it’s going to be hard. If it was easy, more people would do it. It’s not easy. It’s really hard!!! And we’re doing it!!! We’re doing the damn thing!!! It’s okay to have tough days. But please know that you don’t have to go through the tough days alone.

Even better advice I just received (this is hot off the press, y’all!!!): remember that you are more than the job that you do.

I’ve definitely written that in a blogpost before, my About page even says “PhD student, among other things 😉,” but it can be so easy to forget that. So, I’m reminding myself and you…you are so much more than just the work that you do.

I’m not just a PhD student/research scientist. I’m also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a runner, a writer, a soccer player, a reader, a person with a losing record on Mario Kart (and I will keep fighting to change that!), a baker, an incredibly amateur cook, a lover of nature, (I’m, like, super cute too), a party planner, a blogger, a photographer…I’m so many things. A PhD student is just one of those. Heck! My blog page is barely about the science that I do 😂 I don’t know how I forgot that or how I let myself get so down on myself. I’m so grateful for my mentor, my friends, my mom, my therapist, and our seminar speaker for reminding me that I’m doing the damn thing and I’m doing the best that I can – that’s all I can do!

If you feel alone, I hope you feel less alone after reading this. I’m feeling better after writing this and reminding myself that I’m not alone. I’m actually feeling super stoked to get back to research now. Some people and things drain me, and I am really lucky that work is somehow one of the few places that rarely ever does (if at all!!). So why not lean into it 😂 (my boss will be thrilled to read this). 

Thank you to everyone in my life who help make the bad days better and the good days greater ❤️