*Content warning: mention of mental illness and treatment*

This past weekend I completed my fifth and fastest half marathon!!! I was really hoping to set a new personal record (PR), and I absolutely smashed that goal! My previous best was 2:08:15, and this weekend I ran 2:01:05! I could not be more happy or more proud of myself.

This was probably the most consistent I’ve been with training for a half marathon since my previous fastest time (…funny how that works). And I’m especially proud of myself for maintaining consistency, as the 12 weeks of training coincided with my two biggest experiments of grad school yet. There were weeks where I was so exhausted from working multiple 10+ hour work days for weeks on end, but, somehow, I still managed to complete my runs. Sometimes I’d come home, take a quick 20 minute nap, moan about having to run, and, finally, go out for the run. I always felt so much better once it was done (and was always happy that I did it).

I also kind of went through a ~mini mental health crisis~, as I started taking medication for anxiety about 2 months ago. If you are not familiar with medication for anxiety, depression, and other mental disorders/illnesses, they can take 6-8 weeks to start working, and the transition can have quite a roller coaster of ups and downs. Not everyone experiences that. But I did. How fun 🙂 I’ll start by saying that I do think I’m on the other side, and am finally starting to feel better. I’m really proud of myself for staying consistent with my training during this (and, more importantly, for taking the steps I find necessary to improve my mental health). Usually when I am in a depressive episode, I just like to isolate myself and do nothing. This time, I sort of felt like I had no control over my emotions, and so staying consistent to my training plan was one of the very few things I felt like I could control. So that’s what I did.

Sometimes you’re given an inch, and you gotta just take that inch (in contrast to “being given an inch and taking a mile”). Today at a career retreat we talked about our career paths and how sometimes you only move ⅛ of an inch…but at least it gets you somewhere different from where you were before. I really liked that.

People always ask me if I think I’ll ever want to run a full marathon. Honestly? I don’t think so 😂 The training is a lot more intense and time-consuming, and at this phase of my life, I don’t really want to dedicate what free time I do have to all of that. I like the half marathon distance – it’s still a really big achievement, but also very doable. (Note: I’m pretty sure I’ve also said in the past that I would never run a half marathon, and here we are, 5 half marathons later…)

Prior to my race I’d seen one of my buddies from run club. I told her how I was really hoping to PR, and I was scared that I might not and would end up being really disappointed in myself. She then gave me great advice, that I will now share with you all: when running a race you should have three different goals: (1) the time you want, (2) a time you’d be happy with, and (3) a time you would be ecstatic with. Even though I was only given this advice ~45 minutes before the start…I quickly shifted my attitude and it really helped me.

I decided that my new(-ish) goal was (still) to PR, but I would be happy if I maintained a sub-10 minute mile pace (and finished uninjured), and I would be ecstatic if I finished sub-2 hours. I try not to look at my watch while running because I feel like it adds unnecessary pressure to myself to perform a certain way…and, tbh, if I’d known how close I was to actually reaching that ecstatic goal…I probably would’ve pushed myself a bit harder…but also been in a lot more pain today. Now I have a goal for next time 😊 (and I’m still pretty dang ecstatic with my time).

This race had pacers for a range of times, which I LOVED. It’s so much easier to run with a pacer because you don’t have to think or stress – you just get to run. I ran with the 9:30 minute mile pacer for the first 6ish miles, then decided to go ahead on my own. I felt really good. I felt so strong. I was always surprised to see the next mile marker because I felt so good. By mile 8 or 9, I got a rush of joy and told myself, “holy shit, I’m going to PR today”. I still had a lot of juice in me the last 1.1 miles (that was my fastest segment, lol). I teared up once I crossed the finish line because I couldn’t believe just how much I had crushed my previous PR.

As per tradition, I did sign up for my next half marathon the night before my race. In May I’ll be headed back to my hometown to run 13.1 miles through a place that means so much to me ❤️ I’m being honest with myself and not expecting a PR at that race…the course will be more difficult than the one I ran this weekend, and I’ll have to begin training in early February…in upstate New York…where it will likely be snowing, very cold, and dark for the majority of my training 😅, not to mention I’ll be cranking out experiments in preparation for my qualifying exam. And who knows…it could be very hot and humid in Maryland for race weekend 😂 But we shall see 🕺

To connect this back to science…I thought of my PI while running this race too 😂 She often tells my labmate and me how important it is to read scientific papers. Not only does it help you stay current with the field, develop new ideas, and gain a deeper understanding of the project and background, but it also helps make you a better writer. That writing a paper is a skill and it takes practice and training – “like training for a marathon. You can’t just go out and run it. You have to train for it.” …I thought how I have ~somewhat~ of an idea for what that might look like, since I’ve trained for half of that 😉

Extra little note: I recently started reading “Bravey” by Olympic runner Alexi Pappas. It’s a memoir. And if you’ve ever asked me about my dreams, you know that one of my dreams is to write a memoir. I love memoirs because at the surface they are about some life experience – for Alexi Pappas that is running in the Olympics. But memoirs are so much more than what you see at the surface. These authors share what I’m sure are some of their deepest and most personal thoughts. And that’s scary. Being vulnerable is scary. Being vulnerable with people you don’t know is scary. But something my old boss taught me is that vulnerability is a strength. And something I’ve learned in my own life, is that it is in those moments of vulnerability that I build the deepest connections with people. So, even though sharing my experiences with mental health struggles is scary and vulnerable and sometimes really hard…I know that others will be able to relate to it and feel a little less alone. So that’s why I’ll continue to share it. Because it’s real. And I’m a real-life human with real-life struggles just trying the best I can. Just like you. We’ve got this 😊